DUP Deal narrated by Samuel L Jackson

[Guest]

http://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2017/06/26/ ... -deal/amp/

The world of entertainment is buzzing with the rumour that Samuel L. Jackson is to provide the voiceover for the Conservative DUP agreement announced earlier today.

As part of the joint commitment between May and Foster to make the details of their arrangement open to all, the agreement will be released in accessible formats so no one feels excluded.

Mr Jackson is expected to stop working on his latest film and fly direct to Belfast to record the audio in the new few days.

Well known for his speech recordings of famous children’s stories, wherein he brings a growling menace that ensures children stop messing about and go the f*ck to sleep, Samuel is to bring the same sense of threat and inimitable style to what may otherwise be too light hearted a piece of work.

An aide to the Prime Minister responded to the Herald’s inquiries,

“Samuel L Jackson is loved for his voiceovers as much as his acting. We believe if Ms May is able to reach an agreement with him to record the text of the DUP deal then it will bring a level of street cred and cool that will ensure the public does not think much about the actual arrangement. That will be best for everyone, especially Ms May.”

It’s believed the text will include the phrase “And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee” at the beginning of every paragraph to fulfil a special request of Ms Foster’s.

Asked for comment, a representative of Mr Jackson said, “You motherf*ckers must be crazier than you look if you think Samuel is touching this crazy idea!”

Downing Street dismissed that, as just his initial, tough negotiating position.

It was thought that Quentin Tarantino himself would be asked to direct a film adaptation telling the story of May and Foster’s negotiations, but this was abandoned out of genuine concerns about life imitating art.