Christmas Jokes thread (tenuous ones are good too)

[Trapper John]

Santa is sitting down day before Christmas Eve and says to one of his elves...I hate Christmas...I have to dress up head to toe in red, rush around non stop, don't have time to even catch my breath.. I work my bloody nuts off...and at the end what do I get out of it?....absolutely fuck all!

The elf says, Yeah...now you know how Steven Gerrard feels every week.

[Trapper John]

Up until last Christmas, I'd always believed I had a birth mark on my arse.....

Turns out now, it's a cigar burn............How's about that then

[Trapper John]

Paddy says to wife....What would you like for Christmas?

Wife says, Glad you asked, coz I'd really love a Black i-pad

So he puched her in the face.

[Trapper John]

My wife has asked me for something in Silk for Christmas....

I don't know why I'm bothering really, I guarantee this tin of emulsion is gonna be the wrong colour.

[Trapper John]

When I was a kid, I would always get a sore throat every Christmas.......so I used to be given a Hall's soother to suck.

Funny thing was, my uncle Stuart used to keep them in his pants.

[nicholas]

what do orphans get at xmas ?

















lonely

[templegate]

Ladbrokes must be shitting themselves right now.

If Des O'Connor is next, I've landed a 7 paedo xmas accumulator.

[Moz]

thought you'd like this so I grabbed a copy....



Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......


Moz

[j@mes]

tulisa's xmas album has bombed

that has to suck

[Snuffleupagus]

tulisa's xmas album has bombed

that has to suck

[blue moon]

not xmas,but funny as fuck


So, Rio Ferdinand has had 2p thrown at him. He's not the first black man to be caught by a copper.

He's probably the first to get head off the Queen though.

[Lady Murasaki]

The four stages of life
– You believe in Santa Claus
– You don’t believe in Santa Claus
– You become Santa Claus
– You look like Santa Claus.

[Guest]

Marks And Spencers new advert says it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S.

They're right.... It'd be Chrita

[Lady Murasaki]

Why doesn’t Santa have any children?




He only comes one a year, and that’s down the chimney.

[goblin]

last xmas I was behind a guy with a bumper sticker saying 'Jesus is my co-pilot'.

When I overtook him, I noticed that Jesus was a small fat fucker with no teeth.