Dealing With Death

[Old Pennywise]

Read the body language & the signals. You'll be able to pick up fast how to approach (whether to be the listener or lead the conversation).

That probably sounds stupid but that was best advice on this subject i was given from an old boss. I've worked as an assistant manager at 2 charity shops that handled mass over the counter donations, so faced a lot of families donating loved ones items. The way you handle the family members always comes down to body language. Always hurt to find out it was a regular customer, especially those who would pop in for a quick matter.

Just ignore if found to be crap advice .

[Goodwife]

It has helped me posting about dad i have kept it to myself too long .do people think I'm strange posting about it I won't be offended i feel like I'm grieving now before he dies i might not be making sense ?my good friends in cyber world have have me strength so I'm turn i can hold others up .my boys ma m etc

No it makes sense Kat. Its a weird situation when you know you are waiting for someone to die

[Vam]

Weird how I've had a reason to mention this event twice in one day ....but anyway, at my husband's memorial, marking a year after his death, it was a genuine comfort and pleasure hearing folks talk about their memories of him, experiences shared, that kind of thing. Some even took to a mike to do that.

All I did was sit there or circulate with a smile on my face. It turned into a party to celebrate his life, rather than just mourning his loss. There sure were a few sore heads the next day, and my bloke would have certainly approved of the whole carry-on

I truly believe the bereaved genuinely do want to hear other people talking about the person they've lost. I know I did, and still do to this day.

Sorry for your loss and good luck, Mes. Take tissues!

[dis]

It’s hard to know what is the right thing to say Mes, but if you are coming from the right place anything you say will be fine. We’ve had a few very close deaths over the past year or so and it was a great comfort to hear from people who cared for the people we lost, telling us their memories and that.

[McAz]

Read the body language & the signals. You'll be able to pick up fast how to approach (whether to be the listener or lead the conversation).

That probably sounds stupid but that was best advice on this subject i was given from an old boss. I've worked as an assistant manager at 2 charity shops that handled mass over the counter donations, so faced a lot of families donating loved ones items. The way you handle the family members always comes down to body language. Always hurt to find out it was a regular customer, especially those who would pop in for a quick matter.

Just ignore if found to be crap advice .

Apologies Mes, I misread your OP and thought you were writing a letter of condolence, not visiting. I believe what I said still applies in a general sense - but Old Pennywise here offers the more practical advice.

[Cleopatra]

It has helped me posting about dad i have kept it to myself too long .do people think I'm strange posting about it I won't be offended i feel like I'm grieving now before he dies i might not be making sense ?my good friends in cyber world have have me strength so I'm turn i can hold others up .my boys ma m etc

I know exactly what you mean. With my Mum it was like the long goodbye; we all basically camped by her bedside, playing all her favourite music, laughing, talking about old times, hugs, tears. The last 3 days, I never once left her side. She brought me into this world and was there for me my whole life and I wanted to be there for her when she went. Time for me to log off, I think. God bless, Kat.

[NastyNickers]

Oh Mes, I hope tonight goes well. Must be an awful situation, especially finding out so late.

When my brother dyed, I just liked talking about him. I still do. I like it when people have memories they share that I didn’t know about. I like finding out more about him. If you have videos too, I loved hearing his voice and seeing him move.

[Mickyboy]

Obvious trolling thread is obvious.

Why is it........bcos death is still one of the big taboo subjects and some people might have great difficulty in dealing with the death of someone close so different people offering different advice can often be a great comfort in dealing with difficult feelings so good thread imo mes .....

[Lambert]

I've lost some close friends and close family members in the last few years. To be honest, I don't really want sympathies, condolences or prayers. The person has died, it is what it is. I'm going to feel sad for a bit and then life will go on as normal. It's better for people to say "I'm here if you need me" and let me get on with it. Sure, talk about them, have a laugh about the good times etc. It sounds harsh but when someone has died I move on. Others grieve for a long time, maybe never coming to terms with their loss. I know someone who is having therapy over the death of her mother quite some time ago. I am thankful for the good times I shared with the person who died and I carry the memory of them with me, but I don't dwell on it.

[measurer]

Well, I'm back and I am so glad I went. Her dad is at the start of dementia, so it took him a wee while to remember me, but he remembered my husband. I asked about what had happened, and then I lead the convo onto happier times, telling him of some of the daft things we used to do - which of course, he never knew about! He is so lonely, and the grandson took my pal's money, house and ran. Doesn't even bother with his grampa! Grrr

Now that part is over, I have told him I will be back, and bring some pics he hasn't seen.

Thanks for all your kind words, it really did let me see that I'm not the only person to face something like this. x

[Guest]

Well, I'm back and I am so glad I went. Her dad is at the start of dementia, so it took him a wee while to remember me, but he remembered my husband. I asked about what had happened, and then I lead the convo onto happier times, telling him of some of the daft things we used to do - which of course, he never knew about! He is so lonely, and the grandson took my pal's money, house and ran. Doesn't even bother with his grampa! Grrr

Now that part is over, I have told him I will be back, and bring some pics he hasn't seen.

Thanks for all your kind words, it really did let me see that I'm not the only person to face something like this. x

i'm glad it went well.

[McAz]

Well, I'm back and I am so glad I went. Her dad is at the start of dementia, so it took him a wee while to remember me, but he remembered my husband. I asked about what had happened, and then I lead the convo onto happier times, telling him of some of the daft things we used to do - which of course, he never knew about! He is so lonely, and the grandson took my pal's money, house and ran. Doesn't even bother with his grampa! Grrr

Now that part is over, I have told him I will be back, and bring some pics he hasn't seen.

Thanks for all your kind words, it really did let me see that I'm not the only person to face something like this. x

Glad to hear it went well - and that you will be going back.

[NastyNickers]

Much love, Mes. you done the hard bit, and I bet you made his month

[calitom]

Once, during a traumatic time, the greatest comfort to me was hearing that a group of nuns had offered their prayers. Since then and even as an atheist I always try to offer something that has a spiritual dimension to it. After all, what we all need during difficult times is to be held - let someone know that their god, the universe, or just yourself is somehow with them in your arms.

well said McAz

[calitom]

I've lost some close friends and close family members in the last few years. To be honest, I don't really want sympathies, condolences or prayers. The person has died, it is what it is. I'm going to feel sad for a bit and then life will go on as normal. It's better for people to say "I'm here if you need me" and let me get on with it. Sure, talk about them, have a laugh about the good times etc. It sounds harsh but when someone has died I move on. Others grieve for a long time, maybe never coming to terms with their loss. I know someone who is having therapy over the death of her mother quite some time ago. I am thankful for the good times I shared with the person who died and I carry the memory of them with me, but I don't dwell on it.

i dont think there is a right way or wrong way for an individual top deal with it. Its just important..whatever your style..to not do or say anything to cause grief to the
surviving close relatives.