jokes thread

[HobbitFeet]

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. “What happened to your face?” I asked.

“I’m a Paralympian,” he replied.

“Boxing?”

“No, … hurdles.”

I'm going to burn in hell


and so are you

[banana chewits]

the vodka i usually buy less is less than £20 a bottle.

i went today & they've put it up to £21, but i'm still going to party like it's 19.99.

[Nucks]

Dean’s penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Until he got booted out of the library.

[NastyNickers]

I think I’ll be banned if I post in this thread...

Yep. I’m better off keeping them to myself.

[Honest Guesty]

q. what is the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

a. a weasel is weaselly recognised but a stoat is stoatally different.

I heard that the otherway around.... causes more confusion..... a stoat is weaselly identified, but a weasle is stoatally diffent.....

[Vam]

Two women walk past a man sunbathing nude on the beach, with just a magazine covering his face.

One woman smugly says "That can't be my husband!"

Her friend pauses for a good look and replies "You're right. It's definitely not your husband..."

[Vam]

"My husband ran off with my best friend Sue yesterday!!"

"How long has Sue been your best friend?"

"Since yesterday"

[dis]

I'm terrible at telling jokes.

[Vam]

(last of my smut-free ones)

Paddy attends a first aid course and is asked "What would you do if your son swallows your front door key?"

"Climb in through the window "

[dis]

What's black white and red all over?

Dunno...I asked you.

[HobbitFeet]

They are going to start playing porn at the petrol pumps

it's so you can watch someone else being fucked at the same time as you

[HobbitFeet]

oh come on
it wasn't that bad

[Nucks]

What’s red and bad for your teeth?



A brick.

[NastyNickers]

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

[Vam]

Yo mama so fat, when her beeper went off people thought she was backin up!