jokes thread

[Drunk Dalek]

How do you circumcise a catholic priest?

Slap the choir boy on the back of the head!

[Drunk Dalek]

Renault have just designed a people carrier so spacious, so luxurious and so comfortable that you can hardly notice that the kids are in the back. They have called it the 'Renault McCann'

[Trapper John]

Police stop a van driven by a Pakistani on the M1.

Officier walks up to the driver's door and says: "Do you know the limit on this road is 70 sir?"

Driver says: "Oh very sorry sir I didn't" he gets out and walks to the back of the van, opens the door and says, "Sorry boys, 50 of you are going to have to get out and walk"

[Trapper John]

Being a cake decorator for 30 years, I'm never surprised by the requests I get for special occasion cakes.

So I thought nothing when a woman rang and asked for a cake to be decorated with the words 'I suck cocks' - which I completed and sent out for delivery.

Imagine my surprise when the next day a very irate woman stormed into the shop followed by a young man and said "I'm Mrs Cox and this is my son Isaac ........"

[dis]

Being a cake decorator for 30 years, I'm never surprised by the requests I get for special occasion cakes.

So I thought nothing when a woman rang and asked for a cake to be decorated with the words 'I suck cocks' - which I completed and sent out for delivery.

Imagine my surprise when the next day a very irate woman stormed into the shop followed by a young man and said "I'm Mrs Cox and this is my son Isaac ........"

I can’t imagine you as a cake decorator TJ.

[Abs]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To join retarded.

Good one guesty

[Abs]

He took me from a bar. He took me in his car. He took my top off. He puts his lips on mine, but don't worry: I'm a bottle of wine!

[Abs]

Two old ladies outside their nursing home smoking when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom and cut off the end and put it over her fag and continued smoking. Her friend asks whats that? She replies, a condom so me fag doesn't get wet. Where did you get it her friend asks? You get them at any drug store she replies.

The next day her friend goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a box condoms. Obviously embarrassed he looks at her strangely as she is well over 80 yrs old but very delicately asks her what brand she wants? It doesn't matter son, she says, as long as it fits a camel. The pharmacist fainted.

[Gabby]

Two old ladies outside their nursing home smoking when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom and cut off the end and put it over her fag and continued smoking. Her friend asks whats that? She replies, a condom so me fag doesn't get wet. Where did you get it her friend asks? You get them at any drug store she replies.

The next day her friend goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a box condoms. Obviously embarrassed he looks at her strangely as she is well over 80 yrs old but very delicately asks her what brand she wants? It doesn't matter son, she says, as long as it fits a camel. The pharmacist fainted.

[Vam]

Renault have just designed a people carrier so spacious, so luxurious and so comfortable that you can hardly notice that the kids are in the back. They have called it the 'Renault McCann'

ohhhh.....

*will NOT laugh - no way* ....

[BUDGIE]

Old one: why are Germans pish at golf?

They can't get out the bunkers...

Prostitute asks paddy if he wants a blow job - he replies, "I'll take it if it doesn't affect my social money"

Did you hear the one about the gay roofer?

He enjoyed getting felt on the roof

[HobbitFeet]

10 priests stood at the pearly gates
God appears and says 'if any of you have fiddled with choir boys you'd better turn around and go now'
9 walk off, so God shouts after them 'and take your deaf mate with you'

[Drunk Dalek]

I'm sorry I cant get into the spirit of things today. My mate has just finished 7 years of medical training and in the first week is likely to get struck off and possibly jailed for sleeping with one of his patients. He was set to be a great vet too.

[Drunk Dalek]

Paddy and Murphy fancy a Pint but only have a euro between them. Paddy goes off and buys a sausage.

Murphy says are You mad?

Now we're skint! Come on says Paddy follow Me.

They go into the pub order two pints and drink them before they pay. Paddy shoves the Sausage through the zipper of his Jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his Knee's and suck it.

The Barman goes berserk and throws them out.
10 pubs and 10 pints later Murphy says..
'I cant do this any more, my Knees are sore and I'm pissed.

How do you think I feel? Says Paddy, I can't even remember which Pub I lost the Sausage in!

[Red Okktober]

Doctors at the Lausanne Clinic in Switzerland, where Michael Schumacher is being treated, have issued a statement.

They say there's no change in his overnight condition, and that he remains an obnoxious German cunt.