STICKY FOR JOKES

[common sense]

My wife is very unhappy. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help". So I sent her a fucking timetable.

[common sense]

I called round to my mate's jacuzzi party.

I said, "Room in there for for five more?"

He asked, "Why, who did you bring?"

I replied, "Just the wife."

[common sense]

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park".

[common sense]

A man went to the doctors feeling tired and run down.
The doctor told him that he had a rare ailment and that the only thing that would make him feel better was fresh breast milk.
He left the surgery and set off on his quest to find someone who could provide fresh breast milk.
He eventually found a young lady who was willing to let him have some of her breast milk but didnt have a pump so he would have to extract it in the old fashioned way.
As he started on the right breast he started to feel better, but so did the woman.
After 10 minutes or so he was feeling great, but the young lady had now become really aroused.
"You don't fancy anything else do you" she said in her most seductive voice.
"No" suck, suck. "this is great"
The woman now was really turned on and breathlessly groaned:
"You can have anything you want, please, just tell me"
The man pondered for a couple of seconds and said:
" Er, well - You dont happen to have a Farley's rusk do you"

[common sense]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude,
the captain announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
Silence followed.
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to
you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should
see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......
"For the luvva Jesus......you should see the back of mine!"

[common sense]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’, asked the doctor.
“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”
“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish Viagra. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”
It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”
“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters, and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”
“Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

[common sense]

I see there's a Marmite shortage. Ask your mother to look. You can't find any but MA MIGHT.

[common sense]

Lance is a very unusual name these days,
but in Medieval times people were called Lance a lot.

[common sense]

David Beckham's 2nd son arrived at training for Brentford, he asked the coach "What number shirt am I?"

The coach said "Wear four out there Romeo…”

[common sense]

Now I'm not saying that my 16 year old niece is fucking fat and ugly but she got a job as Andrew's personal dresser and he asked her if she minded if they stayed just friends.
Write to Paul Hyett

[common sense]

Nicola's partner must look on the bright side...

at least he saved money on valentine's day..

[common sense]

Maddie Mccann is still the reigning hide and seek champion of the world. Good effort though Nicola

[common sense]

What do you call a fat chick with a rape whistle?

Optimistic

[Toke 'n' gesture]

Maddie Mccann is still the reigning hide and seek champion of the world. Good effort though Nicola

What if we made jokes about dead daughters, would you find those funny? For a man that's lost one you have no fucking self awareness. Knobber.

What do you call a fat chick with a rape whistle?

Optimistic

[Holly]

WTF?

I agree with Toke'n. I haven't checked the snug till just now. Common sense, your jokes are beyond bad taste, you better cut that out and show some common sense and decency, OK?
Don't do that again.