STICKY FOR JOKES

[common sense]

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to go near that woman again.

Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.

He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that.

You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said that was the same as putting it in!

[common sense]

A classic Irish joke for you guys.

Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.

Where did you get this from? asks the expert.

It's been in my loft for 40 years. Think it's an heirloom" says Paddy.

Do u have insurance? asks the expert.

No, should I? asks Paddy.

Yeah, says the expert ,It's your fük*cing water tank.

[Gabby]

A classic Irish joke for you guys.

Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.

Where did you get this from? asks the expert.

It's been in my loft for 40 years. Think it's an heirloom" says Paddy.

Do u have insurance? asks the expert.

No, should I? asks Paddy.

Yeah, says the expert ,It's your fük*cing water tank.

Stick to the day job .... oh wait...

[common sense]

A man sticks his head into a barbers shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The man leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The man leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and
says, "About an hour and half." Again, the man leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

[common sense]

Sad news from the Nestle factory today.

A manager was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage shelf.

He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted

"The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues cheered.

[Penfold1978]

i read a sign the other day that made me absolutely wet myself.
"TOILETS CLOSED"

[art0hur0moh]

https://innerstrength.zone/funny/man-ge ... tJqrgDzCmE

[art0hur0moh]

can't copy joke. But feel compelled to add, if he didn't survive i wouldn't post it.
https://wakeupyourmind.net/two-friends- ... hCuBrC4UqQ

[common sense]

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fucking fat bi*ch."

[common sense]

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years, when one day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whisky and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

[common sense]

A woman asked an Army General when was the last time he had made love to a woman. The General replied "1956, ma'am."

The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better."

The woman and general went back to her flat and made passionate love for over an hour.

Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..."

The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[common sense]

I went to the library & asked if they had a book about tiny willys.
Librarian said "I don't think its in yet?"
I said "Yes that's the one"

[common sense]

I went to a pub and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the Wi-Fi code.

"Oh no," he said, "there's no Wi-Fi in here; people used to sit talking in pubs about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot - now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see; therefore, no Wi-Fi in this pub."

"You know what?" I replied, "You're right!" and I put my phone away.

"Thank you," the landlord said, "In this pub I want you to act as you would thirty or forty years ago."

So I lit a cigarette, gave him 50p for the pint, and said "No problem mate."

[common sense]

A woman and baby were in the doctor's examination room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while, in a very professional and thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You haven't got any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came now"

[common sense]

Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas:

1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in? .

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

and finally-

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!