jokes thread

[Red Okktober]

A man waks into a corner shop and asks the assistant for a bottle of whiskey.

"I'm sorry sir but it's against my religious sensitivities to handle such an item"

"Ok, give me a packet of Walls finest pork sausages"

"I'm sorry sir but it's against my religious sensitivities to handle such an item"

"How about a gram of smack and one of those 14 year old slags you've got chained up in the basement?"

"Yes, sir, coming right up"

[Nucks]

Paddy and Murphy fancy a Pint but only have a euro between them. Paddy goes off and buys a sausage.

Murphy says are You mad?

Now we're skint! Come on says Paddy follow Me.

They go into the pub order two pints and drink them before they pay. Paddy shoves the Sausage through the zipper of his Jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his Knee's and suck it.

The Barman goes berserk and throws them out.
10 pubs and 10 pints later Murphy says..
'I cant do this any more, my Knees are sore and I'm pissed.

How do you think I feel? Says Paddy, I can't even remember which Pub I lost the Sausage in!

[Avon Barksdale]

About a month before he died we rubbed lard into my granddad's back to try and make him feel better.

He went rapidly downhill after that...

I liked that one.

My other grandfather was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below. He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us.

[Nucks]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the
street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to
see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me
flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the
big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending
the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

[Text]

A woman decided to spice up her jaded love life

- so she stripped naked & gave her henpecked husband a pair of cuffs saying "chain me to the bed & then do anything you like."

He obediently chained her, then ran out the door to get drunk in the nearest pub, something she had never allowed him to do.

On arrival he unchained her, jumped into bed next to her - and slept like a log.

[Cobs]

How many guests does it take to change a lightbulb?

[Nucks]

How many guests does it take to change a lightbulb?

We keep them in the dark usually.

[Avon Barksdale]

An irate husband walks into the marital bedroom holding a pig wearing a bow.

"This is the cow I have to have sex with when you have a headache" says the man.

His irritated wife looks up from her book, rolls her eyes and says "I think you'll find that's a pig you idiot."

To which he replies 'I think you'll find I was talking to the pig..."

[Lady Murasaki]

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
“We better get some support or they’ll think we’re nuts!”

[Punk]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said: "Yes."

I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

[Nucks]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, lifts her dress and shoves it up her fanny.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She does a cheap nightclub act and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair.”

[Dean]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, lifts her dress and shoves it up her fanny.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She does a cheap nightclub act and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair.”

[Punk]

The England team today visited a Russian orphanage. “It was desperately sad to see their faces with no hope”

Spoiler: show

-said Vladimir aged 6.

[Punk]

I threw a boomerang years ago, now I live in constant fear.

[Punk]

My girlfriend says I'm immature, I politely asked to to stop standing on my Subbuteo pitch.